BB lay silently on the bed as he watched A pace back and forth across their room trying to decide when the best time would to stop him. A hadn’t been able to sit still since they had left the meeting, too many thoughts going through his mind to be able to relax. He didn’t know BB was going to have them quit the group, but he knew why he did it…it was all his fault. He hadn’t been able to keep up, hadn’t been able to do his part and now he’d made BB quit. This wasn’t the way it was supposed to have worked out; this was supposed to be his chance to prove to BB that he was able to hold up his own weight, that he could accomplish something and now…now look. He stopped for a moment and glanced at BB who was lying on his side and watching him. Was he angry with him now that they were no longer in the group? Would he hold it against him now? He balled his hands into fists and brought them up to his eyes, trying to blot out the hot tears he could feel building behind them. Instead of proving anything he’d just screwed everything up, and…he started when he felt hands on his shoulders.
“A…Alexander…stop,” BB’s voice came from in front of him, softer and kinder than he could ever remember hearing it. BB had gotten up while he’d had his fists against his eyes, and he hadn’t heard him. It had been over a year since BB had used his full name, and the sound of it was almost foreign to him.
“I’m so sorry Beyond,” A whispered without turning around, “I made you quit the one thing you were enjoying around here.”
“Stop being an asshole,” BB said with a chuckle, “I was looking for an excuse to get the hell out from under Lawliet’s…excuse me... “L’s” little special group. I’m just as good as he is, working just as hard as he does, but all I get to be is one of his back-ups? No thank you,” he turned the blonde around to face him, “I’m not gonna lie to you and tell you that your having such a hard time with everything didn’t push me to make the decision, but I don’t want you to think that it was all about you. I will tell you that you are the most important reason why I decided we had to quit, you know you mean more to me than any little detective crap Wammy’s got up his old sleeve.”
“But if I wasn’t here, if I didn’t have such a hard time, you wouldn’t have quit BB, that’s not you, you never quit.” A said tearfully, “You would have stayed if only just to give Lawliet a hard time, you know you would have.” BB sighed and looked away for a moment before looking back at A.
“Maybe, I don’t know that for sure, and it doesn’t fucking matter. Alexander, we had plans before this whole thing came up and we’re just gonna go back to them. We’re gonna graduate, go back to my place and do whatever it is we want to do. Maybe we’ll just travel for a while, maybe we’ll start our own detective business and fuck up everything Lawliet tries to do. The “back up” could end up beating the “original” at his own game, ya think?” A nodded slowly, a small smile trying to make itself known on his troubled face.
“That might be fun,” he said, “It would really piss off Lawliet wouldn’t it?” BB nodded and laughed.
“This might be the best thing we could’ve done, so stop looking like it’s the end of the world,” he leaned forward and kissed A, softly and gently at first, and then he reached around and held the blonde head steady as he increased the pressure and strength of the kiss, forcing his tongue into the boys mouth and taking complete control. A closed his eyes and returned the kiss as hard as he could, his mind whirring in so many directions still, trying to decide if what BB said was the truth, or if he was just trying to make him feel better. Right now he didn’t care, right now he was enjoying the feel of being in BB’s arms again, of feeling like he mattered to someone, even if he didn’t deserve it.
“Now, why don’t you get ready for bed while I go get us some hot chocolate,” BB suggested, knowing how much A loved hot chocolate.
“Okay,” A answered and smiled, “And this time don’t drink it all before you get back here.” He walked over to the bed and began to get undressed. BB walked behind him and helped him get his shirt off, tossing it on to the bed. He ran his hands down A’s back, then leaned forward and kissed the back of his neck.
“I’ll be right back, don’t fall asleep until I get back,” he said, “And don’t do anything stupid.” A turned and stared at him.
“What do you mean stupid?” he asked defensively.
“Like not being here when I get back, that’s what I mean,” BB said and kissed him again, “You’ve been known to run when you think I’m mad, and I don’t want you to do that. I’ll be right back.”
“I’m not going to run BB,” A promised and BB nodded with a smile and ran out of the door.
The only students allowed in the cafeteria at this hour were the upper classmen, where they could have snacks, coffee, and drinks as they worked on homework or relaxed before going to bed. BB walked in to see the room practically empty, and made his way to the urns, which held hot water for tea, and hot chocolate and one for coffee. As he picked up a couple of Styrofoam cups and began to fill them, he felt a hand on his shoulder and he turned to see the warm smile of his best friend.
“Hey, how’re you doing? How’s HE doing?” Mello asked and BB tried to smile but it faltered as the true worry he felt bled through, knowing Mello would understand.
“I think I got him calmed down now, but at first it was pretty touch and go,” he answered filling the cups with the hot chocolate, “I know I’ve made the right decision.”
“Yea, Matt and I agreed with it too,” Mello answered, “It was putting too much of a strain on A, and it isn’t really necessary. The three of us have got L covered, you guys can just relax.” BB snorted as he put lids on the cups.
“Oh yes, precious L is covered,” he said, “Let’s make sure all is well for him.” Mello sighed and shook his head.
“Look B, it’s not his fault things have happened this way. We all agreed we wanted to do this, it’s a lot of work but it’s a lot of fun too; and I’m sorry you can’t be a part of it anymore, but don’t hold it against L.” He started slightly when it seemed as though his friend’s red tinted eyes actually glowed at him.
“But I do hold it against him Mello, if it wasn’t for him being Watari’s little special project, this whole thing would never have happened and A wouldn’t feel like he’s such a failure. We had made plans for what we were going to do after graduation, and then this whole thing started and he got his hopes up for something he couldn’t handle. And if anything happens to A because of this…” he stopped and smiled instead.
“But nothing is going to happen because we’re out and he’s going to get better,” he finished and picked up the cups, “Thank you for asking about him, but he’s gonna be okay. We’ll see you in the morning at breakfast.”
“Okay, tomorrow asshole,” Mello said and they both laughed as BB left the room, hot chocolates in hand. Mello sighed then turned to get himself some chocolate. He reached for his cell phone and dialed Matt; after hours were the only time cell phones were allowed.
“What, miss me already?” he heard the red head answer and he laughed.
“Yea, you keep believing that,” he said, “I just ran into B and he’s a bit upset over A’s taking the news, but he thinks he’s gonna be okay. I’m actually calling to see if you changed your mind, if you wanted anything.”
“Yea, bring me some tea. I need to be soothed after the ravishing you just gave me,” Matt answered and they both laughed.
“You loved every minute of it, and you know it. Okay, I’ll bring you tea and Matt…I love you.” He heard Matt chuckle before he answered.
“Seeing BB really spooked you, didn’t it? I love you too, don’t worry about me, I’m fine.”
“Yea, I know…but seeing how worried he is..,”
“It’s okay, I get it. Now hurry up and get back here with my tea, jerk!” he said and hung up the phone. Mello laughed and put his phone away, no matter what, Matt could always make him feel better. He then got his hot chocolate and Matt’s tea, and headed back to their room.
Light couldn’t believe just how much better he felt being with Lawliet like this; just lying with him in bed, holding him, kissing him…it made him realize that he wasn’t trapped, that he wasn’t going to spend the rest of his life pretending, being something he wasn’t, feeling like a performing monkey to the entertainment of everyone else. Every time he looked down into those huge dark eyes that were shining up at him with so much emotion it sent waves of passion and love coursing through him, that he was surprised he could handle it all.
They had moved to the bed, removed the rest of their clothes and were enjoying knowing they were somewhere where they wouldn’t be interrupted, where they were completely alone and could take their time. Lawliet returned all of the passion he was getting, hungrily kissing him back, continually letting Light know he was ready for this, he wanted this now. Light tried to convey his feelings through actions, kissing him deeply and moving down Lawliet’s body with both his mouth and hands. He needed him so much tonight, how much it meant to him that he was here and that he loved him. His entire body was on fire with the intense need and desire that was moving through him; and just the thought that now Lawliet was willing to give allow him access to the most intimate part of him nearly pushed him over the edge.
He continued to kiss down the raven haired teen’s body, down to that part of him that was hard and waiting, gently kissing, then licking up the length, taking the tip into his mouth then slowly taking the rest.
Lawliet’s moans increased in volume, his hips moving up to push himself even deeper into the warmth of Light’s mouth. Light toyed with him for a few more moments before letting his desire to move things further along prompt him to move towards the night stand and the small bottle Lawliet had put there when they climbed into bed. He opened it and poured some of its contents over his fingers. He leaned down and kissed Lawliet deeply.
“ I’m going to get you ready so it won’t be so uncomfortable,” he said once he released him, “I’m not going to lie to you and tell you it’s not going to be a little uncomfortable at first, but I will do everything I can to make it as easy on you as possible. Just remember that it’s only painful for a few moments, and then you won’t believe how awesome it’s gonna feel, okay?” Lawliet took a deep breath and smiled at him, nodding slowly.
“I trust you Light, I know you’ll do your best not to hurt me,” he answered, “I love you.” Light smiled at him then brought their lips together again, as he reached down and found Lawliet’s opening. He slowly slid one finger inside, swallowing Lawliet’s gasp of surprise and pain as he pushed it further inside.
“Try to relax Lawliet,” he whispered as he slowly moved his finger in and out, and continued to kiss his jaw line and neck before slowly inserting a second finger. Lawliet cried out at the intrusion, but was surprised at how quickly the initial pain subsided, and how it was replaced by warmth that was beginning to radiate through his body. He closed his eyes, his hands clutching the sheets of the bed. Light pushed his fingers deeper, looking for the one spot that would make Lawliet forget about the discomfort and knew he had found it when the teen suddenly cried out his name.
Lawliet’s eyes suddenly flew open and he stared up at Light in surprise as he continued to attack his prostate, and he began to move against Light’s fingers. This was an entirely new sensation, and Lawliet wasn’t sure how long he could take it without losing control. Light kissed down his neck, stopping at a spot above his collarbone where he bit down gently, then sucked the same spot, marking Lawliet as his and enjoying the whimpers and soft cries he was getting in response.
As he felt Lawliet’s muscles relax a bit more, he removed his fingers, and poured a little of the cool liquid around Lawliet’s opening and then on himself. Lawliet reacted to the sudden coolness with a quick intake of breath, and reached up, wrapping his arms around Light’s back, knowing what was coming next.
“Are you still sure?” Light whispered and Lawliet nodded, smiling up at him, then leaning up and kissing him. Light positioned himself and slowly began to enter him, stopping when he heard Lawliet’s sudden moan of discomfort, and felt his arms tighten around him.
“It’s okay, I’ll go slowly,” he reassured him, “And I promise it won’t hurt for very long.” Lawliet nodded again and exhaled slowly as Light continued to push into him. Lawliet’s fingers dug into Light’s back as he tried not to cry out, feeling for a moment as if he would be torn in two. Light stopped moving once he was completely engulfed in Lawliet’s warmth, groaning himself at how wonderful it felt and reminding himself not to move until he got the okay. After a few more moments Lawliet leaned up and kissed him again, telling him he was ready.
Light began to move, pulling out slowly and pushing back in just as slowly, kissing Lawliet deeply as he did, swallowing his moans and matching them with his own. He couldn’t believe how right this felt, how intoxicating it was to finally be joined with Lawliet like this. It took every ounce of his strength to not lose complete control and allow all of his past frustrations and desire fuel his thrusts, but the last thing he wanted to do was frighten or hurt Lawliet, he was already scared enough as it was. So he controlled himself and instead focused on making sure Lawliet’s experience was as good as he could make it, they had time.
At first all Lawliet was aware of was the burning pain, and then gradually that went away and he could feel instead a different kind of warmth crawling up his spine. He and Light had engaged in several types of sexual play since their relationship had begun in earnest, so he was familiar with the waves of ecstasy that were beginning to pulse through him, but there was a difference this time. Somehow it felt deeper, hotter and more complete now, and nothing they had done before made him feel like this. He hadn’t even realized his eyes had closed again until he heard Light ask him to open them to look at him. He did and reached up to move some of his sweat dampened hair hung over his eyes so he could see them.
“It’s okay Light,” he whispered, “I’m okay.” He whispered and then he moved his hands from Light’s back to his hair, pulling him down again for a kiss as he began to move his hips to meet Light’s thrusts, causing Light to moan louder and increase the speed and depth of this thrusts.
The room was filled with the sound of their soft cries and moans; until Lawliet felt the heat inside of him blossom into a ball of fire as his orgasm began to overtake him. He clutched Light tighter, crying out his name as Light reached forward and began to stroke him. Lawliet’s orgasm suddenly exploded through him, taking his breath away and leaving him light headed and weak as he clung to Light. Light came right after him as Lawliet’s tightening muscles forced it out of him, surprising him with the power of it. He collapsed on top of Lawliet for a few moments until he had enough strength to roll to his side, taking the still trembling teen into his arms and holding him tightly.
“Are you okay?” he asked as he got his breathing back under control, “I didn’t hurt you too much?” Lawliet smiled and shook his head as he continued to hold him tightly.
“No, I’m fine,” he answered then kissed him, “That was amazing, and I don’t know why I was so scared; I’m really embarrassed I made such a big deal out of it.”
“It was because you were looking at stupid porn,” Light said laughing and kissed his forehead, “So you had every right to be scared. I do love you Lawliet.” He added and was rewarded with the widest smile he’d ever seen on that beautifully pale face.
“I love you too Light,” he answered and buried his face in the teen’s chest, kissing it lightly, his fingers running across it. He felt strangely calm and happy; Misa and Light’s family could try anything they wanted to, but he had Light now and no one would take him away. His concern over his brother’s situation faded into the back of his mind; Light loved him, and that was all that mattered, everything else would work out. He closed his eyes and sighed contently, and nuzzled into Light’s neck.
“I’m not happy that it happened this way, but having to move into this apartment is the best thing for us,” he heard Light say and he tried to answer but his exhaustion got the better of him and he began to drift into unconsciousness. Light looked down at him when he didn’t get an answer and chuckled to himself when he saw that he had fallen asleep. He moved wild hair from the front of Lawliet’s face and kissed him again, before closing his own eyes and falling into an exhausted sleep himself.
Both of them were started awake by the sound of knocking at the bedroom door, and were suddenly aware of the aroma of coffee.
“Good morning,” they heard Wammy’s crisp tones through the door, “If you get up now, Light will have time for a shower and coffee before having to join his….friend downstairs.” They stared at each other in surprise and then burst into laughter.
“I shouldn’t be surprised that he knew I was here,” Light said as he began to slide out of bed.
“This is true. I have ceased being surprised by what Wammy knows…Owww!” Light turned to see L grimacing in pain as he tried to sit up.
“Oh…yea I should have warned you that you’re going to be a little sore for a while,” he said going to him and helping him sit up, “What you need is a nice hot bath or shower.” He suggested and Lawliet nodded.
“That seems like a good idea,” he answered and then smiled as he saw how concerned Light was, “Don’t worry, I am not regretting my decision in any way.” He added and was gratified by Light’s smile as the worry disappeared from his face.
“I’m glad, because that was the best experience I’ve ever had,” he said then leaned forward and kissed him, “Let me shower first and get dressed, then I’ll help you. This way you can take your time while I go meet my “friend” for breakfast.” He sighed when he saw’s Lawliet’s expression darken at the mere suggestion of his going to see Misa, looking down at the floor.
“Hey, don’t look that way, you know I don’t want to leave you and especially not to go to her. I love you Lawliet, she’s a pain in my ass.” Lawliet began to laugh as he looked up into Light’s face.
“I know, I love you too. It just feels wrong for me to send you to her after…” he began and Light stopped him with a kiss.
“Yea, don’t think I’m happy about this either, but we both know it’s the only way right now. Let’s just look forward to tonight and not worry about the bullshit of the day.” He grinned again and Lawliet nodded.
“You’re right, of course. Now go before you run too late and she starts screeching for you.” Light rolled his eyes, kissed him quickly, then got up and ran for the shower.
Mello released a sigh of relief when he looked up to see A and BB coming into the cafeteria together. Matt reached over and squeezed his knee affectionately.
“I told you they were going to be okay, and that you had nothing to worry about,” he said and Mello nodded.
“I know but I’m gonna be a little nervous until I’m sure A’s back on his meds,” he answered and Matt nodded in agreement, “He still doesn’t look up to his usual strength.”
“I get it, but he does look okay,” Matt added and smiled at the couple as they approached the table, breakfast trays in hand, “Hey guys, you’re looking dapper this morning!” BB stared at him as he sat down at the table then turned to Mello.
“What the fuck’s wrong with him?” he asked and Mello laughed.
“Hell if I know, I give up on trying to figure him out,” he nodded at A, “Did you get a chance to drink your hot chocolate last night, or did this jerk drink it?” A grinned as he looked at BB.
“He left most of it for me this time,” he said, “But that was before he attacked me and then it got cold.” They all laughed and then BB leaned forward so that he was almost nose-to-nose with A.
“Funny, I don’t remember hearing the words “don’t or stop or leave me alone.” He said and A snorted at him.
“And if you had would you have paid any attention?”
“Hell no, I’m just pointing out you didn’t even try to stop me,” he answered then turned his attention back to Mello when he heard the blonde suddenly bark laughter. He then turned his attention to where Mello was focused and began to laugh himself.
“No fucking way, are you kidding me?” he asked and Mello looked at Matt.
“Didn’t I tell you that bottle was gonna get used last night?” he said and the laughter continued as they watched Lawliet walk into the cafeteria. He walked into the room with a slight, telltale limp, stopping only to pick up his favorite breakfast pastries and coffee. As he turned towards the seating area, his eyes scanned the room and finally fell on Light as he sat at a table with Misa and a couple of her friends. Light had positioned himself so that he could see the doorway, wanting to see how Lawliet was when he came in. Their eyes met and for a moment no one else in the cafeteria mattered as everything that needed to be said traveled between them. Lawliet broke the moment by nodding, letting him know he was okay, before Misa noticed that Light’s attention was not on her. He then made his way over to the table where the others were sitting, trying not to make it too obvious as he sat a little softer than he usually did, slowly bringing his knees up to his chest.
It was then he noticed the silence at the table, and looked up to see what was wrong. All eyes were on him, all faces had wide grins; even his brother was staring at him with almost unbridled glee.
“Is there something wrong?” he asked and they all burst into laughter.
“No, but obviously congratulations are in order,” Mello said and they laughed even more at Lawliet’s confused expression.
“Congratulations? I don’t understand…” he started and BB leaned closer to him.
“Bet you were glad I gave you that bottle!”, he said laughing again and finally Lawliet realized what they were talking about. He had tried really hard not to be obvious, but apparently they could tell he was not completely comfortable this morning and they could figure out why. He felt his face heat up as color rose to it and he looked down at the table.
“I’m sure I don’t know what you mean…” he tried to hide it but knew ultimately it wouldn’t work.
“Oh stop the bullshit Lawliet, it’s obvious you finally got your cherry popped, good for you and Light,” Mello said, “Maybe now Light will stop walking around here like a wounded animal.” Lawliet’s eyes flew to Mello’s face and wide grin, and after a moment he couldn’t help grinning back.
“Although I am not happy with the crudeness of your description, I guess it is a good thing,” he finally admitted, “But you have to be sure not to let the knowledge of this slip around Misa.”
“Don’t worry about that,” Matt answered, “We barely speak to the nut job anyway.”
“Not that I really care about her feelings, but I don’t want her to make things worse for Light.”
“I guess having to move out of Light’s room into your own place was really a blessing in disguise,” A said and then looked down at his plate, his grin slowly disappearing. “Look, Lawliet I’m sorry BB and I had to leave the program, it was my fault that I couldn’t keep up.”
“Stop it,” BB told him, “You don’t have anything to apologize for and especially not to him!”
“My brother is correct, you certainly don’t have to apologize to me for what happened last night, and it was obvious that it was not your decision in the first place.” Lawliet answered.
“Well, no not really,” A answered and BB turned on him.
“ No, it was my decision,” BB told him, “To do what I thought was best for both of us,” he then turned on Lawliet, “We don’t need to be part of your little exclusive group, we have our own plans for what we want to do after graduation.” He said and Lawliet nodded as he fixed his coffee to his liking.
“I agree, it certainly isn’t worth risking A’s mental health or future happiness. Now that I am in a relationship such as yours, I understand the need to care for your partner and I would have done the same thing.” He sipped his coffee and took the first bite of his pastry. A looked uncomfortable when Lawliet mentioned his mental health and it didn’t go past BB.
“You watch what you say about A,” BB warned, “It’s your fault this whole thing happened in the first place, Wammy thinking you’re so special that you need others to hang around and wait for you to die.”
“B! That’s not the whole reason!” Mello defended and Lawliet shook his head.
“It’s okay Mello, I understand B’s anger and he is justified,” he turned to A who seemed as if he were trying to hide within himself, “Although I did not set up the curriculum that you were subjected to, I know it was set up to get everyone up to my level of expertise in detective work at a faster pace than even I arrived at. I believe that was ultimately unfair to expect everyone to be able to deal with that much pressure.”
“Are you saying A isn’t good enough to be part of your little program?” BB accused and A put his hand on his arm and shook his head.
“I wasn’t good enough BB, that isn’t Lawliet’s fault. I tried, but it was more than I could handle.”
“It isn’t a matter of being good enough,” Lawliet answered, “Not everyone can do everything. A--you are incredibly intelligent and resourceful, I believe your talents lie elsewhere and I would like the opportunity to discuss the possibilities with you.” A’s face brightened, the idea that he could still be part of the program exciting him, but before A could answer BB answered for him.
“No! There’s nothing you could offer him that he needs to take. I’ve already told you that we have plans for after graduation and they don’t include you.”
“But shouldn’t I at least listen to what he has to offer first?” A ventured and BB turned on him.
I said NO! I don’t care what he has up his sleeve, we don’t need it, and I thought we already discussed this! You don’t need his approval for you to think you’re brilliant and capable.” A sighed and looked at Lawliet apologetically before nodding at BB.
“Yea, you’re right. I don’t know why I thought there was anything I could do anyway,” he said and then smiled, “But thank you Lawliet for thinking I could.” BB smiled and squeezed A’s hand.
“Now that’s settled,” he said and turned to Mello, “So tell me, after we left last night, did any of my ideas about who the Zodiac killer was pan out?” Matt and Mello looked at each other and then looked at Lawliet who sighed and turned towards his brother.
“We can no longer discuss any of the work that is done within the program,” he explained, “It was the one things we had to concede to in order to allow us to continue to stay in contact with you and A. I’m sorry B, but you can no longer be included.”
“But that’s not new business, I worked really hard on this…” BB argued and Lawliet shook his head.
“I’m sorry BB but these are the rules. You opted to leave, we can no longer discuss anything with you,” he gathered his empty dishes and slowly lowered his legs from the chair so he could stand, “I have to get back to my apartment before class begins, I have a new case I’m working on.” He nodded at the rest of them at the table and got up slowly, trying to walk away without limping but failing. He could hear Mello and Matt giggling as he left the table and decided to just ignore them. He stopped as he cleared his tray and snuck a look at Light, just as Light did the same, his eyes reflecting his continued worry over his condition. He tried not to react as Misa grabbed Light’s hand to hold against her chest as she chatted to her friends, but Light rolled his eyes and it was all he could do to not burst into laughter. He turned and left the cafeteria as quickly as he could under the circumstances instead.
“Come on guys, you can tell me what happened, he’s gone now,” BB prodded once Lawliet had left the table. Mello sighed and shook his head.
“I’m sorry man, we agreed and we can’t go back on our word. I’m really sorry. Maybe if you talk to Wammy, maybe he can tell you something, but we can’t.” BB’s eyes flashed in anger for a few moments before he took a deep breath and sat back in his chair.
“Fine, I understand,” he said finally and then smiled, “Who the fuck cares anyway, the case is so old and nothing can be done anyway, he’s most likely dead.”
A looked at him sadly and then stared at his hands. You care BB, he thought, I know how hard you worked on the theories you put together as to why you thought your suspect was the killer and how badly you wanted to be proved right. Now all that work is worthless, and it’s all my fault. How many other things am I going to disappoint you with, what else am I going to hold you back from? It’s not fair; I’d leave you if I could, but I know I can’t live without you. You’d do fine without me, you’d be able to do so much more. He sighed then started slightly when he felt BB grab his hand and squeeze it. He smiled at him and sighed again. You deserve so much more BB, I’ve got to do something to make this all up to you, I promise I will.